Is it possible to put the utmost trust in someone you’ve never met

whether you think you know them or not

should you

is it wrong

can you

can you trust them with your life

can you trust them with your heart

I trust Meryl

I do not trust our President now or to be inaugurated

what will happen to this country

what will happen to this world

will the killing never cease

maybe it’s a defense of the youth, this ignorance

optimists are the ones who separate themselves from reality and block out reality completely

I don’t want to be a pessimist

but I don’t want to be an optimist either

he’s right, young people are afraid to look at reality and accept it

they are afraid so they separate themselves

nobody wants to feel scared or hurt or helpless

maybe we need to feel these things in order to fix them

damn it I wish I could do something

something large, spectacular, and meaningful

something to affect change

if only I knew what that something was

voting is a joke

we are conditioned

film reminds me I am conditioned, it makes me aware and therefore breaks the cycle

I want to make others aware

I want to bring reason and independent thought back to the minds of all the Americans that have been sucked into this vortex of unforgivable ignorance, apathy, and stagnation

what can I do

who will guide me

where can I look

how can I see

where do I begin

funny, I’ve answered this dilemma backward

I have started with the why

I know why

It’s damn nearly impossible to find truth these days

we’re so worried about the facts

truth lies in the emotion

maybe we need to take a step back in time and think and act from the heart instead of from a fact or better yet a prediction

from the heart

this is how you earn respect

not by winning a made up war that even if real could never be won

war on terror

might as well declare a war on religion, or a war on math, a war on death, a war on love, this is a war on ideas

one cannot combat an idea

this is why ideas are so powerful

this is why people are afraid of ideas

this is why we must trust our own ideas

this is how we must fight the war

this is how we must fight the fight

we must prevent violence and wrongdoing through ideas

not more wrongdoing and violence

where is the sense

where is the good

I want to do good

I want to be good

and I mean good as in from the heart, from the mind, and from the soul

not from a fact, not from a reputation at stake, not from a prediction, not from a fear of losing, but from a fear of dying and a fear of destruction

from what’s right, from life itself

it’s not hard to know what’s wrong

just look at life itself

it’s hard to know what’s right

but only when two good ideas collide

and that, my friend, is where the power lies in the term compromise

and partnership

and togetherness

and here I sit

writing these thoughts

asking

asking me

asking you

asking

what can I do

to save the world

what can I do

to hinder the process of destruction

what can I do

to awaken the sleeping souls of Americans and the rest of the citizens of the world

what can I do

today

tomorrow

now?

New Years has been

externally and internally demanding: lots of sad people, lots of selfish people

externally questioning and testing: what to do in a situation when all are the centers of their world and their pain surfaces and you have no pain to match theirs and you feel spiteful, jealous, a little lost.

internally assuring: finished watching Lions for Lambs

mother fucker I pray I’m not selfish, I pray that I will find the strength to be unselfish

mistrust has become a theme lately

mistrust of the government

mistrust of the other drivers

mistrust of the news

mistrust of your friends and your family

mistrust of and in yourself

I will end by saying this

the passion of the idea as well as trust in oneself and ones friends will lead us to the inner freedom that has so far been neglected in the American dream and in our personal aspirations.  it will lead me if I allow it to.  I shall start this year by declaring that I will allow it to lead me into becoming a good person, into doing good, and into changing the world for the better, inside out, by reaching straight for the souls of the lost bodies.

By Bob Dylan

Darkness at the break of noon
Shadows even the silver spoon
The handmade blade, the child’s balloon
Eclipses both the sun and moon
To understand you know too soon
There is no sense in trying.

Pointed threats, they bluff with scorn
Suicide remarks are torn
From the fool’s gold mouthpiece
The hollow horn plays wasted words
Proves to warn
That he not busy being born
Is busy dying.

Temptation’s page flies out the door
You follow, find yourself at war
Watch waterfalls of pity roar
You feel to moan but unlike before
You discover
That you’d just be
One more person crying.

So don’t fear if you hear
A foreign sound to your ear
It’s alright, Ma, I’m only sighing.

As some warn victory, some downfall
Private reasons great or small
Can be seen in the eyes of those that call
To make all that should be killed to crawl
While others say don’t hate nothing at all
Except hatred.

Disillusioned words like bullets bark
As human gods aim for their mark
Made everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored Christs that glow in the dark
It’s easy to see without looking too far
That not much
Is really sacred.

While preachers preach of evil fates
Teachers teach that knowledge waits
Can lead to hundred-dollar plates
Goodness hides behind its gates
But even the president of the United States
Sometimes must have
To stand naked.

An’ though the rules of the road have been lodged
It’s only people’s games that you got to dodge
And it’s alright, Ma, I can make it.

Advertising signs that con you
Into thinking you’re the one
That can do what’s never been done
That can win what’s never been won
Meantime life outside goes on
All around you.

You lose yourself, you reappear
You suddenly find you got nothing to fear
Alone you stand with nobody near
When a trembling distant voice, unclear
Startles your sleeping ears to hear
That somebody thinks
They really found you.

A question in your nerves is lit
Yet you know there is no answer fit to satisfy
Insure you not to quit
To keep it in your mind and not fergit
That it is not he or she or them or it
That you belong to.

Although the masters make the rules
For the wise men and the fools
I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.

For them that must obey authority
That they do not respect in any degree
Who despise their jobs, their destinies
Speak jealously of them that are free
Cultivate their flowers to be
Nothing more than something
They invest in.

While some on principles baptized
To strict party platform ties
Social clubs in drag disguise
Outsiders they can freely criticize
Tell nothing except who to idolize
And then say God bless him.

While one who sings with his tongue on fire
Gargles in the rat race choir
Bent out of shape from society’s pliers
Cares not to come up any higher
But rather get you down in the hole
That he’s in.

But I mean no harm nor put fault
On anyone that lives in a vault
But it’s alright, Ma, if I can’t please him.

Old lady judges watch people in pairs
Limited in sex, they dare
To push fake morals, insult and stare
While money doesn’t talk, it swears
Obscenity, who really cares
Propaganda, all is phony.

While them that defend what they cannot see
With a killer’s pride, security
It blows the minds most bitterly
For them that think death’s honesty
Won’t fall upon them naturally
Life sometimes
Must get lonely.

My eyes collide head-on with stuffed graveyards
False gods, I scuff
At pettiness which plays so rough
Walk upside-down inside handcuffs
Kick my legs to crash it off
Say okay, I have had enough
What else can you show me?

And if my thought-dreams could be seen
They’d probably put my head in a guillotine
But it’s alright, Ma, it’s life, and life only.

What does this mean?

I’m always angry at you in my dreams either for not being there…or for being there.   When I’m awake, sometimes I long to talk to you…and sometimes I could not be happier to not see your face and to know that you won’t randomly be walking around the corner.  Sometimes I wish for the lax and safe setting of high school senior year.  Sometimes I remember feeling so trapped and twisted.

I wrote a script.  A script as to what I wish my life would be like.  A tragic beginning with a healing loving wonderful ending.  I stopped rewriting the script as soon as I began hanging out with him.

Hmmm…

I’m still here…waiting for you.

Hey look!  I see you.  There you are!

Hey, we’re building! Would you look at that?  We’re building and it’s fantastic!

And I can’t wait!  I can’t wait for what’s to come.  To reference our current conversation at a future date.  To hold your hand.  To lean on your shoulder.

Right now I miss you.  I’m still waiting.  Waiting for you to respond, to IM me back.  Waiting for you to come online.

I’m talking to you.  Virtual hugs are not the same, though the thought is appreciated.

So much will occur between now and four weeks from now.  I have plans and exciting ones at that.  Things have already happened.  Yet, I can’t think of anything else but that day when I finally get to see you again four weeks from now.  I’m skipping segments of my life to get to you.

I miss you.  I love you…in a friendly way…for now.

the music hugs my soul
I suddenly feel connected
I suddenly feel home
I’m no longer lost
or estranged to the people
my heart pounds in rhythm with the language
the language portraying a deeper meaning
a meaning that makes me feel alive
feel connected
so in love
I’m at home

Tonight I divulged without shame.  The pounding heart was from something else.  Contrary, I felt clarity.  He was receptive.  It was freeing.  Finally.  This is what it should be.  It felt natural talking and spilling.  Not even like a release.  Just…it just felt like…home.

Coffee and Cigarettes

That’s the same song that inspired a previous entry, I see.  I love that song.  That song is home.

Sometimes I miss who I used to be, which is strange because then I wished I was anything but.  I miss the depth and the reflection.  I miss the writing and the passion.  I still have the passion but it is refocused.  I’m ready for something new.  A new challenge.  Where I can keep my soul and my passion and my beliefs.  Yes, I’m learning to believe.  Knowledge separate from beliefs, what Nuccio always said.  I completely understand now, now that I believe.  And now I find that believing something that contradicts with one’s knowledge is such a beautiful thing.

I miss the sadness. I feel empty without it.  Weird.  Sad.  Sad=Depth?  I don’t know.  Sometimes it hits for a second.  I embrace it.  When I think of it, it fades. Weird again.

I have a lot to say.   I haven’t the language to write.  I haven’t written.  I wish I have.  I will now.

I love who you are so far.

Word Art Reinvented

How can I be as free as you are?

At approximately 10 pm Sunday, August 3, 2008 I saw the most spectacular and incredible phenomena of an actual close up falling star. I couldn’t even begin to describe to you the looks of it. It looked as though it were computer generated and projected into the sky. It was so big and bright and close up and slower than what you would see in a meteor shower and fell right behind trees (or so it seemed) across the street from my house. It looked like Disney’s idea of a shooting star. The enormity of the feeling that overwhelmed me at the sight of it cannot even be properly put into words. It was like a fulfilling yearning, a glimpse of destiny, and an omen of hope all rolled into one momentary miracle. As soon as it ducked out of sight behind the trees, I felt an incredible urge to run after it as though my mind had given way to an instinct that we could never realize we have without an opportunity for it to surface. As I watched it fall, then disappear, my eyes were immediately filled with tears as though it had drawn some deep emotion out of my soul, an emotion not easily described. It was truly spectacular as though I, and I alone, were meant to see it. Of course I have been having more reasonable afterthoughts and doubts, but I think that is part of its meaning. The sight gave me an unexplainable hope and deep happiness that only the stars can give. I realized that what I saw was not just any old shooting star and that no one would believe me if I told them. It was in that same moment I knew I didn’t care, because I had seen it and I had felt it, and it didn’t matter what anyone else thought as long as I knew. I believe that was also part of the meaning. This experience was about hope, belief, and cherishing precious moments known only to you. It was about cherishing what you know and what you feel, and not allowing another to take it from you. Most of all, it was a good omen telling me, “Don’t worry. You’re on the right track. Keep moving forward.”

As it was about to disappear behind the trees, I thought of making a wish but I wasn’t fast enough to come up with one. My immediate afterthought was to meet and get to know Meryl Streep on a one to one basis. I may have suppressed the thought for fear that it may not really be my wish. Still, as I went back outside to admire the ghost of my star in it’s space in the darkest, clearest night I can remember, I once again thought of Meryl and this time truly wished with all my heart that I may one day not only meet her, but have a heart to heart conversation. And because this experience was so out of the ordinary, so spectacular, so special, I believe with every fiber of my being that my wish will one day come true.

Why her? She is a marvelous, wonderful, free spirit in harmony with the world around her. I knew her after watching her on the screen. I could see right through the music, right through her eyes to her soul. And as I read quotes from her last night, I was elated to not only confirm what I believed I knew, but also to find even more depth, soul, artistry, and love of life and family than I could have ever fathomed. I want to be as free as she is. I want to be in harmony as she is. I want to live and breathe art and life and beauty without ever losing sight. I want her to know who I am and teach me.  She understands.  I want to understand like she does.

We should also keep in mind that I’ve been on the verge of crying since yesterday for a reason that I do not know. I just felt so sad, lonely, and slightly off my path. I kept thinking of sad things, my lack of connection, my inability to be honest about myself, my secret frustrations with my best friend, the beautiful tragic death of T, my frustrations in my limitations, my longings to accomplish my dreams, the frustrations of being stagnant, inability to replenish my patience to wait for the future, and so on. And after reading Meryl’s quotes last night, I just completely broke down. It was a really good cry. It wasn’t like the painful ones I used to feel with a terrible stinging in the gut. It was a release. I cried like a baby and couldn’t stop. I woke up sad and almost cried a few times at work. I actually started to at one point. I couldn’t keep the tears from my eyes. When I got home I sat by myself in the dining room on the floor and cried some more. I sat for a little while on my computer and read a bit of a poem by Alexander Pope. Then I read my own short little poem about T and stared at her picture of a few seconds until Rachel called. Then I went for ices and came back to give mom hers. I was going back to rachel’s to hang out so I went back out to the car. Like always before I got somewhere or after I come home at night, I took a few precious moments to admire the dark depths of the sky and the beauties that I like to call stars. It was during this moment that I saw the falling star. The reason I say falling and not shooting is because it was so close and really did look like it was falling right behind those trees. The more I think about it, the more I worry it wasn’t a star. It looked like a single light from a firework had gotten lost. Yet there were no sounds indicating this, and it was the only moving light I saw. I shouldn’t think so much about such a phenomenon. I’m pretty sure it was a star. It was spectacular and all for me. And it gave me a reason to finally feel that the universe has recognized and wants to assure me that I am special in my depth, in my art, in my soul, and in my appreciation of life and beauty.

guitar, birthday party, music, boy, exhaustion, spontaneity, beach, introductions, satisfaction illustrated by me taking the back roads instead of nine, reading hence feeling better about inner workings and borderline corny ness, finished editing project in Edison, major traffic, getting lost, no time for anything, birthday after birthday after birthday: Amanda, Me, Heather, Melissa, Marla, Lainie, and so on (not including relatives), lying to creepy twenty-year-old boys on the beach, my new name is Amanda, Megan is Jaimie, courage and contentment for Kathy, mixed emotions about career, responsibilities, embarrassed, contemplated disguises, school sooner than I thought mixed feelings, rushed, busy, bright nails, another movie dream with ironic ending that even genuinely surprised me (girl try to save some other girl when at the end a flashback is triggered and was memory rather than future vision.  she was the one being saved by a kind word when the whole time she thought she needed to save another.), wish i had time to write, want to read, love reading again, back into the swing of it, still disgusted, why?, still trapped but not painful as much, good relationship with parents, lazy, wish I could expand my vocabulary so I wouldn’t need to think of a word so hard every time i try to say something and then forget what I was trying to say,

sunflower seeds,

the end.